That was my response to a particularly painful, though not entirely unforeseen, break-up on Valentine's Day '98. The night found us eventually at Kenny's 9th & C in Manhattan at half-three in the morning. By the time I tracked her down there after losing track for a few hours, I was throwing back shots of Powers' Irish whiskey while blood and bits of plaster still dripped from my forehead into the glass. Every girl's dream, yeah? And so romantic. I'm a charmer! I'll spare you the ridiculous details of the events that brought me to this state. The girl's response to all this and what would ultimately become the epitaph for the relationship was this: "You're never going to change, Rigel" I would send the words I wrote in a letter about a week later and, as it turns out, wouldn't see her for another seven years. Perhaps not so incidentally, this debacle would precede by almost eight weeks to the day - my most regrettable loss in the ring and the only knockout I've ever suffered. I threw myself into training for this fight after the split. Even going to visit a friend in Ft. Meyers, FLA in an attempt to simulate running and training in Thai heat and humidity. I trained like a maniac and though I was physically in top condition at 167lb and 5% body fat by weigh-ins, my mind was elsewhere. When the bell rang, I did NOT do the right thing at the right time. The point is I got over it. I went on to win the IAMTF U.S. title in October of that year and I competed in February of '99 as the only U.S. fighter in the world championships in Bangkok. Iwasn't the same person. I'm Not the same person I was then. Truthfully, if I was the same person as '98 or worse still '88, I wouldn't be here at all right now. I don't mean here training in Thailand though that's certainly the case, but anywhere for that matter. For all my die-hard words full of piss and vinegar, I CAN become a different, better peson. I can learn, I have learned, I AM learning everyday. I can adapt and evolve, in fact I believe we must and I've always been more afraid of stagnation than of the unknown. Bottom line is, no matter what, I CAN change. I have changed. I'm here in Bangkok at 36 years of age - changing. I'm not talking about technique now, not just physical changes. That's the easy part. Real change happens inside and that in turn affects everything else - including training and fighting. This is why I think I'm really here again. What I hope to bring back is more than just training. I plan to be better, not just a better fighter. Moving on... Wow. It's only Tuesday but it's been a good start to the week. Yesterday, Nico arrived from Belgium. He's pretty well-known and their Nat'l champ and has been here before. He's quite good but fights at only 60K sometimes as low as 57. He started fighting at age 14 so though he's only 23 he has about 45 fights. Training went well Monday and taking off for the past weekend was a good call. Though My hand isn't completely healed by a long shot, it closed up enough and only bleeds a spot when I train. My whole body felt re-newed energy so the rest had a huge positive impact. I've somehow become the de facto farang leader (I guess because I'm the OLD guy plus speak enough Thai to get around). So I was in charge of getting Jamie the Scot and Nico to the bank and to a shopping center. Nico needed running shoes straight away as he packed still drunk and forgot a lot of essentials. (think I'm gonna like this kid). It was actually pretty fun and perhaps the most social I've been here. I do most of my own business and whatnot alone so this was a trip. Getting Nico (who I'm not going to call a player - let's just say he's easily distracted and it seems to work for him) back to Camp without him taking up with a poo-ying Thai was half the battle. Of course he, Jamie, Sabine, and Crystal all just stepped out again tonight. When you're young and fit you can get away with this and still train. Crystal actually fought Nico's ex-girl back in Belgium so they seemed chatty enough. Small world. It is a small world actually, and a small camp for sure. Don't know what blew up today but farang coming out of the woodwork and ending up @ Camp. We've gone from five training yesterday to over a dozen today. We nearly outnumbered the Thais. There's another Japanese fighter staying here now, though he's no kid. He actually stays in the dorms like me, as does Nico for that matter. Then there was a new Kiwi started today. Big lad named Fletcher who was a rugby man but new to muayThai. Never fought. There was another Belgian (Nico and he fought years ago) and a couple more Aussies as well. Here's the small world part: I'm looking at another new kid across the camp as we skip rope. He's quite tall and ripped, wearing Sithyodtong trunks, abnd damn familiar. I'm wondering if I know him from the Boston camp that competes at Evolved. While we're shadowboxing he comes up to me, "Rigel?" with thick Quebecoise accent. Then I realize who he is, "Bruno," I say, "How you been?" He's a French Canadian fighter who trained with Coban. He fought his third fight against Steven Richards, who had about 30 and already fought pro, on the same USKBA card that Tuan smashed Chris Tran on four years ago. We sparred and got to talking. I cornered him with Coban and his nose was a mess of blood (Steven Richards can box). He says his father still talks about me as the best motivator (not hard when Coban said nothing) they ever worked with. He was impressed when I was yelling from the corner in French. Bruno says he remembers Chris Tran clearly having more technique but Tuan being all heart and knocking him down four times to win easily. Btw, Tuan had 6 weeks muayThai training to Tran's 3 years fighting- no shit. Anyway Bruno heads home soon and wants me to train and corner him. I gave him my card but he lives in New Brunswick, Canada. Maybe he'll at least come to train with us. Funny. After sparring I got to clinch with Hong again. Yay! Nah, it was cool. Only way to get better y'know? I still cannot throw him but this was the longest I've lasted and I didn't want to stop. Hope to come back strong. Another good thing I guess is that since it was so busy I hit pads with a different Kru. Den was swamped. I worked with one of the old timers - the one who dubbed me " The Rock" actually. This is the first time I hit with a Kru other than Den and it was cool. More left kicks than I've thrown yet probably. Oh, so his new moniker for me; and this one isn't exactly new it sems to follow me, is "Mafia" They called me "mafia" at Fairtex too. Guess it's the tattos and my build. They were joking here that back home I'm some thug or collector (those days are long past btw, see the above intro) and they were imitating my punches and the noise I make. I explained that in Philly punches turn to bullets. I'm a good boy now - no mafia. It sticks no matter.